Why?

Until recently, I thought my future was entirely planned out. I knew exactly what i was going to study, where i was going to university and when, where i would travel, what my kids would be called and even what i would wear when i became this high-flying business women with a jet-set lifestyle and bags of money.


However, recently i have severely had to re-evaluate my life, after being rudely thrown into an unfortunate and confusing world of euphoric highs... and crushing lows. I first noticed the difference when i was 12... and knowing i was different, I began to suffer severe depression... ending in a destructive lack of nutrition, many nights of pain and sorrow, and a new world that was dominated by thoughts of suicide and loneliness. After a period of counseling I appeared to vastly improve... so much to the extent that my world was perfect. I stayed in a sensational bubble of beauty, where i was the queen of my universe and was capable of anything. I spent nearly two years juggling a stupidly over saturated routine with apparent ease; I was creative, outgoing and perhaps the most productive i have ever been. I did not need sleep... sleep was for the weak!
However after receiving my GCSE results, I began to quickly slip.
Despite it being the summer, the most anticipated few months of my life thus far, my enjoyment in life crumbled. I began to suffer more uncontrollable mood  swings, in which I felt more unpredictable than ever before. I went from being the best person i felt i could be, buying expensive things out of my reach, and writing stories i thought would change the world... to scum, not able to even move, within a few minutes every single day. I managed to cope to an extent until i reached the stressful age of sixth form.

Whilst in a productive blur, i decided to take 6 subjects of an academic nature, not realising the severe impact  this stress would put on my day to day life. I began to leave all of my extra curricular pursuits one by one, and then eventually i dropped my subjects. It was in January that i was referred to counseling, originally with a diagnosis of depression. Things worsened leaving me and my family in despair, until in May I had to leave school altogether. After a referral to a specialist unit in August, i was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar which shocked and disgusted me. I didn't understand what this meant, or what to do. I was already on medication that I knew was necessary, but still made me fearful, and I hadn't a clue what to do with my life.



 Originally, my diagnosis had me thinking that my world would become one of disability, of dependence on those around me and one of hopeless uncertainty. In ignorance of the nature of such a mental illness, i assumed that nothing would ever be the same again; that i had become my illness. I felt debilitated, as much as someone without the use of their legs would feel. It was frightening feeling that made me feel as though i was out of control and couldn't live a normal life.

When September began and everyone else returned to school at work, leaving me behind, I had one of my regular days tired and in bed when i was completely gripped with anger and determination with these thoughts.

WHY do i have to be helpless? WHY the hell do i have to be my illness? WHY can't i do what i originally planned to do?

That's when i wrote my list. Out of my lack of structure, and after being forced to leave education, i decided that Day by Day i would work and work to live my life to its UTMOST POTENTIAL.

My list is a culmination of wants, the small and the large... the structure that i will now use to define my life, and shape the way i will live alongside my affliction; making it my friend instead of my enemy... and improving my life considerably.